I’m in a dead zone at the moment. A grey space. It is not lethargy or despair, but an undefined realm of confusion and dismay. No misery, just bleakness.
I would say to others, all these small things needn’t cause too much concern. Dirt, mess, dodgy finances, poor diet, lack of sleep - they can be dealt with: break them down, do a bit, don’t feel too bad, accept your fallibility. But for myself, I cannot. I didn’t mow the lawn today, and it chills me. A quickening of the heartrate, a mild nausea. The same for everything else. I can just about keep on top of the simplest, most essential chores - washing myself occasionally, and my clothes, cooking and loading the dishwasher. Just getting out of bed, making some coffee, not spiralling off into the wilderness - this is what I can do. But I can see the other things, that I did before, and they seem as far away as a dream. The yellowing leaves beyond the window may as well be a fiction - I cannot touch them. I can’t go outside and walk under them, I can’t get a train, I can’t visit the places I remember. I see other lives, and although people are often quick to remind me that what you see is not what you get, it is clear that they are managing better.
Perhaps it’s just that those like me are largely silent. The darkest times are the hardest to share. Or maybe it really is as bad as it feels, and I am already dead in all the ways that matter. The worst kind of afterlife, seeing the world but unable to touch it.
And still the days pass, ever more quickly. And time I could have enjoyed I have merely endured.
It's a start that you have shared your feelings here because, as you say, the dark times are the hardest to share. Do not berate yourself for having bad days... Accept that they occur and go with the flow. Tomorrow may be better. When you realise that everyday is a bad day try to seek help.... Depression is an awful thing but recognising signs is the first step to handling it in your life. Help & support is out there if you are brave enough to reach out for it and most people are happy to help. "There , for the grace of God, go I" Warmest wishes, hoping that you soon see the sunshine above the clouds.
ReplyDeleteThanks. I'm afraid the point is, it's not just a passing thing. It's a trajectory, it's been going in one direction for most of my adult life. I'm left with very little to support myself mentally - just the dregs of my internal reserves.
DeleteI'm not sharing this to help myself. I'm not sure why I did it - maybe just to put a piece of the world in view, that many may not see (I hope they don't). Support is not there - I have sought medical intervention (and had it forced on me), and other means to prevent the darkness taking over, but ultimately it has not helped, and things have consistently deteriorated. This is an unpopular view, but it's not possible for everyone to be saved, and I get the feeling I'm one who won't be.
I'd encourage anyone else to seek help and advice. But it's rather too late for me now. Thanks for being kind anyway :)